When do you have the serious questions with that new guy you’re dating?
You’ve been dating someone for a while now. He’s become a part of your life. On the scale of satisfaction that goes from “better than watching Law and Order reruns alone” to “can’t remember a time when I’ve been this happy,” he calls somewhere in the upbeat range.
You’ve moved past the first stage of dating (seeing if there’s enough interest to continue dating him). Maybe you are in stage two (you like him and are getting to know him better) or early stage three (exploring commitment). An itch starts to develop in one or both of you that has tinges of both sweetness and anxiety, a need to know: Are we boyfriends? Where is this dating thing going?
It’s not likely that the two of you will arrive at this place simultaneously, so tact and patience are as important as openness here. If you’ve got an urge to ask the question too early – say, before dessert on the first date – you’re being over-anxious. You need to know your new guy before you can know if you’re headed for more than casual dating; don’t let yourself get too serious too fast.
It’s easy to get ahead of ourselves. What’s the rush? I think dating is easier for straight couples.
For one thing, if your straight everyone wants to fix you up with someone they know. But gay guys are really at a disadvantage when it comes to language about dating. And language often affects how we see and interpret reality.
Think about it. There is no gay equivalent of words like “fiancé” or “engaged” that imply a relationship has progressed to a certain level of seriousness (though still short of lifetime commitment).
If you go back 25 years or so, gay men didn’t talk about “dating” at all. Partners were divided into one of two discrete camps: tricks or lovers. Perhaps as a result of this language shortage, it’s sometimes hard for dating couples to understand exactly where they are in the journey of exploration and commitment. That makes many of us too quick to presume there is more of a commitment than is warranted.
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