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The Very Thought Of Him - 2/22/12

 
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Gay Relationships: The Controlling Partner

( Gay Relationships Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski )

Dear Dr. Brian: 
 
My partner and I have been together for 9 years and we have a problem with control in our relationship. My partner says that I’m too controlling and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to watch everything I say for fear that he’ll think I’m trying to overpower him. He says that I try to control how he thinks and feels in most situations of his life. I’ve asked him to write down the areas of his life where he feels I’m controlling him, but he resists this. I’m not sure what to do and I’m getting to the point where I’m questioning whether this relationship is viable. Any advice?____________________________________________

Dear Friend:

I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you’re having with your partner. It’s going to take the two of you working together as a team to be able to resolve the difficulties you’re having, and to view that as such so you’re not approaching your disagreements with a “you against me” attitude that will certainly end up in a stalemate.

I like how you’re trying to be proactive in your efforts to communicate and get a dialogue going with him by suggesting a non-threatening writing exercise to identify any grievances that exist, but he may even view this gesture as “controlling.” The truth is that there is nothing you will be able to do to get him to participate in a dialogue with you; we can’t “make” people do what we want them to do and only have control over our own actions. You can try the direct and assertive route or try and influence his behavior through changes in your own demeanor and actions.

In a relationship, it’s important to have both an individual and a couple identity. Too much individual identity makes a couple feel like roommates as they live parallel lives but share very little connection with each other. Too much couple identity can cause partners to feel suffocated, smothered, and controlled and their individual pursuits and needs can feel stunted. Often times “controlling behavior” can result from this imbalance in individual and couple identity and would be something important to discuss with your partner as a possible source for this perception.

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The Very Thought Of Him - 2/21/12

 
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Gay Relationships: Getting Over ‘I-Don’t-Want-To’ in Your Dating Personals Ad Life

If you’ve been having some difficulty succeeding with your online dating personals ad campaign and are frustrated by your lack of connection with Mr. Right prospects, one possible area you may want to explore as a troubleshooting strategy is to examine what’s called your objections. These are resistances that we may have to taking full advantage of what our dating personal ad can do for us. For whatever reason, you may feel inhibited from doing certain actions or may be blocked by particular beliefs that prevent you from making yourself available or by being receptive to being known or even meeting certain guys.

While there are many reasons why a personals ad may not be yielding you the results you’re looking for in snagging a date, one area of control that you do have is to examine any possible role that you may be playing in its defeat.

What follows below are some of the more common “I don’t want to’s” that many gay men fall prey to in trying to get their personals ad campaign off the ground with some tips on how to counteract these resistances. By overcoming these objections, you might just increase your odds of success on the probability scale of meeting up with a compatible quality “catch” like yourself!