This article is part of our continuing series on domestic abuse and violence in the GLBT community. Currently over 30% of gay / same gender relationships are now reported to be involved in some type of serious domestic abuse. These figures are staggering, and the current lack of help and resources for this growing epidemic is shameful. Our community's awareness is imperative. It's time to unite to and provide gay abuse victims with the appropriate crisis intervention, and a solid support network.
As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards gays, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship. Others who do not identify as GLBT may not feel that their relationship fits the definition but may still be in an abusive and dangerous relationship.
In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:
No one deserves to be abused.
Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.
Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.
The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.
Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently:
In same-sex abuse, a pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to “out” them at work or to family or friends.
Local resources for domestic violence in the GLBT community are often scarce and many traditional domestic violence services lack the training, sensitivity, and expertise to adequately recognize and address abusive GLBT relationships. A gay individual who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. Lesbians, bisexuals and gay men who have been abused have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners.
Here are more ways same-gender domestic violence is unique:
It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.
Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) either means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bi's and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc. This may also precipitate local and/or statewide laws to affect some of these changes, depending on the area.
Telling heterosexuals about battering in a lesbian, bi or gay relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that lesbian, bi and gay relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported.
The lesbian, bi and gay community is often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in lesbian, bi and gay relationships.
Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship.
Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.
Lesbians, bisexuals and gays are usually not as tied financially to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts.
The lesbian, bi and gay community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.
Concerned about your relationship?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Does your partner try to control what you do and who you see?
Has your partner ever threatened to harm you or your family?
Has your partner ever hit you or thrown things at you?
Have you ever been forced to have sex, or unprotected sex?
If you answered yes - even once - your partner may be abusive!
- Talk with somebody you trust - a friend, relative, someone from work, your house of worship, or a health care practitioner.
- Remember everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don't let your partner control or mistreat you. Help is available.
- At some time you may find yourself in trouble, so be prepared and put together an "emergency kit" of things you would really need if you had to leave suddenly.
Have An Emergency Kit Ready!
Money - store some cash in a secret place where you can easily get to it. Be sure to include some coins for phone calls.
Keys - an extra set if keys should be kept in a safe place (at a friend's or neighbor's) in case you need to leave quickly.
Important papers for you - birth certificates, passports, health insurance documents, photo ID/driver's license, immunization records, checkbook, medication, food stamps, social security cards, etc. (or copies of them) should be kept in a safe place.
Basic items - keep a small bag with your medicines, copies of your legal papers, an extra pair of glasses, and a set of clothes.
For Help:
If it's an emergency, call 911 for assistance.
If it's not an emergency, you still have the right to file a police report. Call your local police department to have a police officer sent out to you or go into any police station to make a report.
Contact your local Anti-Violence Project
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
- Voice: 800.799.SAFE
- TTY: 800.787.3224
This article is part of our continuing series on domestic abuse and violence in the GLBT community. Currently over 30% of gay / same gender relationships are now reported to be involved in some type of serious domestic abuse. These figures are staggering, and the current lack of help and resources for this growing epidemic is shameful. Our community's awareness is imperative. It's time to unite to and provide gay abuse victims with the appropriate crisis intervention, and a solid support network. 
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