Tips For The Gay Dater For Screening Out “The Player-Types”
Unless you have hardcore proof and evidence that your new dating partner is playing around on the side, you must be careful about making assumptions or interpretations of his behavior. That being said, the following are some signals to keep your antennae wired for as potential red flags that you may be dating a “player” and can indicate to you the importance of going slow as you get to know him, observing his behavior to get the most accurate picture of his character as possible, and communicating and “checking things out” with your partner during the dating and get-to-know-you process:
* he takes your phone number, but won’t give you his
* he doesn’t follow through with things he says he’s going to do or cancels and rearranges plans you’ve made frequently
* the times that you get together or the activities that you pursue tend to be on his terms
* the times that he’s available to connect with you are sporadic or he doesn’t seem to make time to include you in his schedule
* the discussions that you have are very “surface-oriented”, vague, with no depth and he doesn’t reveal much personal information about his life
* you tend to do more of the work in trying to cultivate the relationship; you find that you are more accommodating and that you do all the giving; the relationship is not very reciprocal
* he never invites you over to his house and he gets a lot of cell phone calls in which he dodges answering when you’re around
* he sexualizes the conversations you have
* when the two of you are out on a date, he doesn’t look at you and give you respectful eye contact, cruising the room at the other hotties present instead
* his attentiveness and dedication to you is inconsistent at best
Conclusion - Unknowingly dating a “player” can be a painful experience and roller-coaster ride for the gay dater seeking his Mr. Right. That’s why it’s so important to pace all your dating relationships and not invest yourself too prematurely before you’ve really had a chance to get to know the person you’re seeing to gauge for compatibility.
Make sure you always keep your non-negotiable/deal-breaker needs in the forefront of your mind and screen your dating partner for goodness-of-fit. The more experiences you share with him, the more able you will be to test consistency of his behavior and character. “Player-types” are capable of change; if this is you, you can begin to use the above information to help you begin to modify your behavior and move in the direction of more authenticity.
Love can be challenging, but oh so rewarding! Be true!
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com