Profile Of A Masterful Flirt:
Remember that flirting is a skill that can be learned.
The following are characteristics of an individual who is a master at flirting that can enhance one’s success in causing men you’re interested in meeting to be more responsive to your advances. A great flirt is someone who:
· has a solid self-esteem and exudes confidence and appears self-assured and relaxed
· has a good sense of humor, is down-to-earth, and is able to laugh
· has good communication and social skills, including being a great listener and having the ability to be flexible and weave in and out of a variety of social situations with relative ease
· is good at reading social cues and body language to know when someone is interested or not
· is assertive, has good boundaries, and is able to cope with rejection without personalizing it and letting it get him down
· is honest, authentic, doesn’t try to impress by being a show-off, and shows interest in the other person by asking him questions rather than monopolizing the “floor time” by solely talking about himself
Shyness, insecurity, anxiety, internalized homophobia, and weak communication skills are just a few factors that can tend to block one’s comfort level and impede the ability to flirt with savvy.
How Do I Know If He Likes Me?:
Unless the guy you’re flirting with blatantly tells you to “buzz off” or directly verbalizes a desire to keep the conversation going, you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled for the signals he communicates in his body language.
Things to look for might include:
·Eye contact: Does he look you in the eyes with warmth and coyly raise his eyebrows or does he look away and shift his eyes about? He could be interested but is just shy or nervous; on the other hand, he could also be looking for an escape hatch, so assess carefully.
·Facial expressions: Is he animated? Smile back at you? Laugh?
Posturing: Does he lean forward toward you with an open stance or appear stiff with arms crossed and back away from you slightly? How does he position himself spatially with you? Does he mirror your body language? Does he touch you occasionally, especially during a laugh? Give you compliments? Reciprocate dialogue? These are all good signs that he’s interested. Just be aware that there are cultural differences with body language that can mean different things depending on the guy you’re talking with. Too much touch could also convey sexual aggressiveness and poor boundaries, so be cautious and limited with this.
The Infamous Pick-Up Line:
“Like, hey dude. What’s your sign?” “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look so familiar!” Barf! Keep these lame, outdated pick-up lines out of your dating toolbag, and get creative! A lot of stock tends to be given to the “opening line” on the singles’ scene, but your introduction statement to someone isn’t as important as the ability to maintain the conversation.
That’s not to say that it can’t make an impact, however. Sometimes a great lead-in comment can break through someone’s barriers about whom he identifies as his “type” and can make him take notice when he ordinarily may not have. Witty and creative opening lines can be real attention-grabbers and can heighten someone’s interest.
For example, many years ago I was at a bar with some friends a few days after Christmas and a man grabbed me as I was walking by, pulled me onto his lap, and said, “Hi, I’m Santa, and I’m going to give you what you didn’t get for Christmas this year.” Granted, that was a cruising pick-up line, but sexual innuendo aside, it was a funny and creative opening statement that has stuck in my mind all these years and still makes me smile in amusement.
So make your opening line unique and tie it in to the environment or setting that you’re in. Offer a genuine compliment or comment on a compatible interest you may share. The key is to be yourself and be respectful. If this doesn’t suit your personality, then nothing beats the old stand-by…”Hi, my name is Brian. What’s yours?” with a warm smile and extended handshake.
In conclusion, the essence of effective flirting comes from having positive self-esteem and sophisticated social/communication skills. Make a realistic appraisal of your flirting potential and use the Profile of a Masterful Flirt above to assess your own strengths and weaknesses. Read plenty of books on social psychology, mingling, body language, and communication to educate yourself further on how to become more socially graceful.
Learn about relaxation techniques to help calm anxiety you may have and practice cognitive restructuring methods for combating negative self-talk that interferes with your confidence and ability to take risks. Take some classes on assertiveness training, join a public speaking group to practice communication skills, and enlist the help of some friends to do some role-plays to further hone your flirting skills.
Again, be yourself, have fun with flirting, and be proactive with your desires. Take the initiative and approach that guy.
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com