When you’re dating someone, it’s very important to always be on alert to determine if you and he are compatible for the potential for a long-term relationship. This screening process should be done before and throughout the pre-commitment phase of the relationship.
By gauging your goodness-of-fit early on in your dating relationship, you’ll either be laying the foundation for a bond of trust and intimacy or you’ll be disengaging from further connection before becoming too emotionally invested.
It’s critical to discover this information as early on in your dating as possible to avoid becoming overly-attached and developing expectations that would likely lead to disappointment and grief.
In determining your compatibility with a new guy you’re seeing, here are three categories of questions you might consider asking yourself to help along with your decision-making process:
1. Does it logically make sense for me to be involved with this person?
Does this man match my vision and personal requirements for a partner and a relationship?
Do our value systems and philosophies of life mesh?
Does he intellectually stimulate me? Are we able to communicate and dialogue well with each other?
Am I able to see him and accept him for who he is with the knowledge that I can’t and shouldn’t change him to mold into my idealized image of a boyfriend?
Is he as relationship-minded and ready as I am? Are we able to negotiate our differences in a proactive and productive fashion with solid problem-solving and anger management skills?
Do we complement each other well?
2. Do we have a solid emotional connection?
Do we have a strong friendship base?
Do we have a special feeling of bonding and closeness that draws us together?
Are we able to share our thoughts and feelings with each other without fear of judgment or rejection? Am I able to be vulnerable with him?
Are we empathic toward each other and able to validate each other’s feelings? Are we emotionally available to each other?
Do we strive to meet each other’s needs and devote time and energy to cultivating our relationship?
Are we able to strike a balance between togetherness and independence without feeling threatened and find this juggling act to be a source of enrichment for our relationship?
Do I like the man that I am when I’m around him? Do I have a sense of pride with this man whom I’m becoming involved?
3. Do we have a mutual feeling of chemistry with each other?
Am I sexually and emotionally attracted to this man?
Do we share a passionate sexual life with each other that is satisfying and erotically fulfilling?
Can we be playful with each other and laugh?
Do I think of him often and miss him when he’s not around?
Do we positively feed off of each other with our personalities and experience a sense of vibrant energy whenever we’re together?
An affirmative “YES” to all of these questions is definitely a good sign that you and your new guy are well on your way to being a great match!
Any discrepancies that may exist will need to be evaluated against your personal requirements. Are any incompatibilities negotiable, or are they absolute deal-breakers? Be honest and stay true to yourself and your values! Settling will only lead to an ultimate loss of fulfillment, resentment, and sacrifice that will erode your quality of life.
And don’t forget…just because someone you start seeing may not turn out to be good dating material after going through this assessment process, he may actually be a better candidate for a friend or business contact. Happy screening!
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. https://thegaylovecoach.com