GAYTWOGETHER

Gay Relationships: Victims And The Damage Of Verbal Abuse - Part Two

[ continued from yesterday ]

Lynn Cohen, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Vacaville, California, says verbal abuse victims are often isolated and confused, and may think that they are the problem rather than the abuser. "In therapy, we would usually start with building self-esteem in the client, so they could ensure that the verbal abuse didn't continue in the relationship, or that the victim didn't continue in the relationship," Cohen says.

One of the largest hurdles verbal abuse victims need to surmount, Evans says, is to stop blaming themselves. "It often takes time for the partners of verbal abusers to realize that the abuser is the one with the problem," she writes in her latest book on the issue. "Most women who are verbally abused spend time focused inward, soul-searching, taking inventory, trying to identify their 'sins,' trying to find out what they did wrong."

Defending yourself through language judo Not surprisingly, many of the survivors portrayed in Evans book opt to end their abusive relationships. Those victims and their partners who decide to battle the demons together must work with their partners to change the abusive behavior. For people who are serious about ridding their lives once and for all of verbally abusive relationships, linguist Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD, has written a concise, easy to follow book.

You Can't Say That To Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- An 8-Step Program that describes how to overturn even the most entrenched patterns of abuse, whether these same have evolved in family, work, or social settings. "If you are a verbal victim, you need to set aside the idea that you are weak," writes Elgin. "It takes a great deal of strength to endure life in an environment of verbal violence. It takes courage to get up every day and face your tormentor(s) again.

Gay Relationships: Victims And The Damage Of Verbal Abuse - Part One

Does someone close to you constantly insult you or humiliate you? Do you feel like you're always walking on eggshells in an effort to keep that person from blowing up at you? Are you starting to believe the accusations that person levels at you? If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you may be a victim of verbal abuse.

This form of abuse, though it may not leave the easily discernible bruises that we associate with its physical equivalent, should not to be taken lightly. Whether perpetrated by a partner, parent, friend, or boss, verbal assaults can be every bit as devastating as physical battering. Ongoing, repeated verbal attacks meted out by an intimate, or by someone in a position of authority, can drastically affect self-esteem, give rise to enormous anxiety and periods of confusion, and even lead to clinical depression in susceptible individuals.

Recognizing Verbal Abuse Family therapist Bruce Linton of Berkeley, California speculates that we are inclined to underestimate the damage that verbal assaults -- harsh words, or even words spoken in a harsh manner -- can inflict. "Many people take to heart the old saying, 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me,'" says Linton. "But names can be very injurious, especially when said by someone we love."

Gay Relationships: The Abusive Partner

No one deserves to be abused! Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.  The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.  The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow his fault, or could have been avoided if he knew what to do.

Abuse includes but is not limited to:

Physical Abuse - hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)

Isolation: Restricting Freedom - controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls

Psychological & Emotional Abuse - constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them

Stalking / Harassing Behavior - following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues

Threats & Intimidation - threatening to harm partner, self or others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers

Economic Abuse - controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner Sexual Abuse/Harassment - forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance

Homeless LGBT Youths Often Face Violent Life On The Streets

Months ago, 15-year-old Drew said he would have described himself as an “ordinary teenager.”  “I lived with my parents in a nice house in a good neighborhood in upstate New York,” he said. “I got good grades at school, and my life was pretty great.”

The young teenager—who withheld his surname for safety reasons—now lives alone on the streets of the Upper West Side, forced to beg strangers for the few dollars he needs to buy food each day and routinely accepting money for sex.

“It all changed the night I tried to tell my parents I was gay,” he said. “My mom was pretty cool with it, but my dad just freaked out and started screaming. Then he started hitting me.” “He’d never hit me before, never,” he sobbed, “but when I told him who I was, that I was gay, he just got so mad. He said he was going to kill me and I believed him, so I ran.”

After spending a few nights sleeping at a friend’s house, Drew returned home, hoping that things might have calmed down. “I tried to open the door, but my key didn’t work any more. So I started knocking and eventually my dad came to the door and told me that I was no longer his son and he never wanted to see me again. He said if I ever tried to get in touch with him or my mom again he’d find me and kill me,” he explained.

Terrified and devastated at losing his family, Drew fled to New York City, where he hoped people might be more accepting of his sexuality. But since arriving five months ago, Drew estimates that he has been beaten up on average once a week—just for being gay.

Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationships

This article is part of our continuing series on domestic abuse and violence in the GLBT community. Currently over 30% of gay / same gender relationships are now reported to be involved in some type of serious domestic abuse.  These figures are staggering, and the current lack of help and resources for this growing epidemic is shameful.  Our community's awareness is imperative.  It's time to unite to and provide gay abuse victims with the appropriate crisis intervention, and a solid support network. 

As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported.  Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards gays, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship. Others who do not identify as GLBT may not feel that their relationship fits the definition but may still be in an abusive and dangerous relationship.

In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:

No one deserves to be abused.

Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.

Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.

The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.

The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.

Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently:

Part 19 - Gay Relationship Abuse - 1000 Reasons To Leave Him

I've received over 1500 emails from guys who are or have been in an abusive gay relationship.  Emails thanking me for bringing this issue front and center, thanking me for kind words, advice, hope and resources.  This column is dedicated to the guys out there, the abused partner in a verbally or physically abusive gay relationship.  One third of all gay relationships are abusive, yes one third!

"Packaging up a previous nightmare to make room for the rest of your life wasn't’t easy. "Sometimes things need to be said, and they need to be said, because you’re finally ready to say them! This is a continuing series about: "A really long relationship with a really wrong person." - Michael

91. When he takes you shopping for two new chairs for the den, and a few weeks later he has his attorney throw you out. Obviously the chairs weren’t for us.

92. When he throws you out and you have to pay for all the blood tests you have to take because you have to make sure he hasn’t given you any sexually transmitted diseases.

93. When saying "I love you" is only reserved for the latest guy he's having sex with.

94. When you have to sleep in a separate room with the door locked because you are scared of what he may do next.

95. When you find out that private details of your family are being shared with his sex partners as though it was general conversation.

Todays Advice:  "SHOUT IT OUT! - Don't Let Lies Lay!" - And do it when he least expects it, even if it's a year or two from the time he threw you out.  Let the world know the truth, what he did to you and who you really are,

I promised myself to let the process move at it’s own speed.  When I was ready, I would ship off the old crap from the relationship nightmare that my ex created for me over 18 years. I also realized part of what I needed was to make sure every person along the original route would finally know the truth whether it was via this blog, or other means. Unlike my past eighteen years with him, this would no longer be his continuous abusive surprise package.  The truth has been recently packaged on my terms because I was finally ready for everyone to know." - Michael

As Soon As I Return: My Personal Story And What You've Been Wondering!

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New Booklet To Help LGBT Domestic Violence Victims

UK - Stonewall Housing is releasing a booklet to help members of the LGBT community who suffer from domestic violence.  Housing Options for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people experiencing domestic abuse, published in association with the Greater London Domestic Violence Project, the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Domestic Abuse Forum and Broken Rainbow, is a booklet covering abuse itself, legal and housing rights, coping strategies and available resources and support organizations.

It aim is to offer a starting point for victims, survivors and supporters.  Author Maria Sookias said: "Stonewall Housing receives a huge number of calls about domestic abuse on our helpline. "Many of our clients feel isolated and desperate and have no idea where to even start to deal with their problems." An American study found that 32 percent of gay and bisexual men have been abused by their partners.

Gay Relationships: The Abusive Gay Partner

Same-sex domestic violence doesn’t seem like a big problem to many gay men. Statistics are hard to come by; it’s hard to know the scope of the problem.(This article is part of a continuing series for GAYTWOGETHER authored by John R. Ballew, M.S., a licensed private practice professional in Atlanta - specializing in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality.) Just like male rape, however, men find themselves being victimized on occasion. For men there can be the additional issue that because we think it can’t happen to us, we have a hard time understanding what has happened -- or we are quick to blame ourselves.

Violence in gay relationships can be physical, sexual, emotional -- or a combination of all three. Emotional abuse is indicated by frequent put-downs, name-calling, humiliation, mind games or guilt trips. Similarly, relationships that become controlled by jealousy, isolation and obsessive control are abusive.

Abusive relationships don’t usually start out violently; if they did, it would be easier for victims to recognize and avoid them. Instead, there is a progression of abuse.

The perpetrator may be very affectionate, then become more controlling or have angry outbursts. Apologies may follow these episodes, along with promises of change.  But then the occasions of hostility become more frequent. Angry words are thrown, as are objects.