GAYTWOGETHER

Gay Relationships: “So Where is This Going?”

When do you have the serious questions with that new guy you’re dating? 

You’ve been dating someone for a while now. He’s become a part of your life. On the scale of satisfaction that goes from “better than watching Law and Order reruns alone” to “can’t remember a time when I’ve been this happy,” he calls somewhere in the upbeat range.

You’ve moved past the first stage of dating (seeing if there’s enough interest to continue dating him). Maybe you are in stage two (you like him and are getting to know him better) or early stage three (exploring commitment). An itch starts to develop in one or both of you that has tinges of both sweetness and anxiety, a need to know: Are we boyfriends? Where is this dating thing going?

 It’s not likely that the two of you will arrive at this place simultaneously, so tact and patience are as important as openness here. If you’ve got an urge to ask the question too early – say, before dessert on the first date – you’re being over-anxious. You need to know your new guy before you can know if you’re headed for more than casual dating; don’t let yourself get too serious too fast.

Gay Relationships: Stages Of Dating To Mating

It’s easy to get ahead of ourselves. What’s the rush? I think dating is easier for straight couples.

For one thing, if your straight everyone wants to fix you up with someone they know. But gay guys are really at a disadvantage when it comes to language about dating. And language often affects how we see and interpret reality.

Think about it. There is no gay equivalent of words like “fiancé” or “engaged” that imply a relationship has progressed to a certain level of seriousness (though still short of lifetime commitment).

If you go back 25 years or so, gay men didn’t talk about “dating” at all.  Partners were divided into one of two discrete camps: tricks or lovers. Perhaps as a result of this language shortage, it’s sometimes hard for dating couples to understand exactly where they are in the journey of exploration and commitment. That makes many of us too quick to presume there is more of a commitment than is warranted.

Gay Relationships: Putting On the Brakes In Your New Dating Relationship for Everlasting Success - Part Two

[ Continued from Monday ]

"So how do you control yourself when you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy even though you know it’s best to wait? How do you handle these powerful feelings of attachment without losing your sense of self and without becoming too intertwined?"

Action Challenges

Here are some action challenges to help keep you on the right track toward promoting a healthy relationship progression with your new dating prospect:

1. Be proactive, not reactive

This means to avoid acting on every impulse you have when it comes to your dating partner. Do you really need to call him for the fifth time today? Is it wise to send him one email after the other on the same day? Do you have to see him every day this week? By thinking about the consequences of your actions, you’ll be in a better position to guide the relationship along. If you need to, snap yourself with a rubber band to break out of an “impulse trance” to avoid making impulsive moves.

2. Balance togetherness with separateness

Beware of spending every waking hour with each other. You need breathing room and you don’t want the relationship to become suffocated by becoming too enmeshed. By having your own independent life separate from the relationship, you’ll be bringing fresh air into it that will help vitalize it and keep it exciting. Don’t forget you have other roles, responsibilities, and relationships that deserve and need your attention as well!

Gay Relationships: "If I’m So Darned Cute, Why Won’t Anyone Go Out With Me?" - Part Two

( Continued from part one )

"Systemic challenges due pose potential barriers to your dating life, they only have to have power if you allow them to do so. We are not victims; growing up gay requires significant courage, perseverance, and resilience. To survive and prosper through this means we can handle anything."

Step one requires taking back personal control and refusing to allow these dating challenges and disappointments to have emotional power over you.

* Start keeping a journal and write about your dating efforts and lessons learned to watch your evolution in progress. Make a list of all the reasons why you’re a “good catch” and why it’s important to keep your head held high when things aren’t going so well. Write about the benefits of being single and what this affords you. Refer to this when you get into “funks” as a way to keep yourself motivated and centered on the positive. When you hear a quote or motivational saying that resonates with you, add this to your journal for additional affirmation and incentive.

* Since we are only in control of ourselves and cannot change other people, avoid blaming “the system” or other gay men for the current state-of-affairs as they are.It’s much more productive to focus more on yourself and dig deep to identify any potential areas where you might be contributing to difficulties. For some ideas on where to get started with this, check out my article on “Am I Mr. Right?”  and break out your journal and start writing and tackling those issues that will improve your quality-of-life.

Gay Relationships: Putting On the Brakes In Your New Dating Relationship for Everlasting Success - Part One

So now you’ve met a new guy who you really like and you both are eager to begin exploring the potential that exists in your new dating relationship. This is commonly called “the honeymoon phase” of a relationship and is definitely an exciting and invigorating time.

It’s a time of aliveness where the attraction you have for your new boyfriend prospect bubbles over, causing you to think about him and wanting to be with him every waking second. The separation pangs when you are apart nag at you and distract you from your daily tasks. You ache to be with him and find yourself preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of what “could be” that fuel your desire even further.

It’s A Chemical Reaction!

There’s actually a clinical term used to describe this phenomenon that exists at the beginning of every romantic relationship. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence is an involuntary state of intense desire and attachment toward another person whom you become attracted. You begin to idealize him and magnify all his good qualities. It’s intrusive and provokes feelings of deep longing and passion to be with that person and these feelings can be blindingly strong. In fact, our bodies naturally produce an abundance of chemicals and amphetamines during the romantic love stage, including dopamine and the “love drug” phenylethylamine (PEA), that account for this state of euphoria and ultimate bliss.

Gay Relationships - That Special Touch

Developing skill with touch is an important part of having successful relationships. Touch is critical to human beings.The love and support communicated through touch affirms our connection to others and has even been shown to contribute to the health of our immune systems. Many studies have shown that when infants are neglected and not held, they fail to thrive. Something similar seems true for us adults.

Too many men have limited skill when it comes to touch. Their experience with the way men make contact is limited -- a slap on the back from Dad, wrestling with friends growing up, the touch of a boyfriend during sex. For others, touch has too often been abusive -- being smacked around by schoolmates or parents, or uninvited and unwanted sexual touch.

Maybe you’ve found yourself in a bar talking with a friend, only to find someone rubbing up against you. This can be fun and a turn-on or annoying and intrusive, depending on your frame of mind and how you feel about the person initiating the physical contact.

Unfortunately, some men have the opinion that if you’re a gay man and I’m a gay man, then I automatically have the right to touch or grope you if I want to. And even more unfortunately, others of us have never learned that we have the right to say “no” to unwelcome touch.

Gay Relationships: Victims And The Damage Of Verbal Abuse - Part Two

[ continued from yesterday ]

Lynn Cohen, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Vacaville, California, says verbal abuse victims are often isolated and confused, and may think that they are the problem rather than the abuser. "In therapy, we would usually start with building self-esteem in the client, so they could ensure that the verbal abuse didn't continue in the relationship, or that the victim didn't continue in the relationship," Cohen says.

One of the largest hurdles verbal abuse victims need to surmount, Evans says, is to stop blaming themselves. "It often takes time for the partners of verbal abusers to realize that the abuser is the one with the problem," she writes in her latest book on the issue. "Most women who are verbally abused spend time focused inward, soul-searching, taking inventory, trying to identify their 'sins,' trying to find out what they did wrong."

Defending yourself through language judo Not surprisingly, many of the survivors portrayed in Evans book opt to end their abusive relationships. Those victims and their partners who decide to battle the demons together must work with their partners to change the abusive behavior. For people who are serious about ridding their lives once and for all of verbally abusive relationships, linguist Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD, has written a concise, easy to follow book.

You Can't Say That To Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- An 8-Step Program that describes how to overturn even the most entrenched patterns of abuse, whether these same have evolved in family, work, or social settings. "If you are a verbal victim, you need to set aside the idea that you are weak," writes Elgin. "It takes a great deal of strength to endure life in an environment of verbal violence. It takes courage to get up every day and face your tormentor(s) again.

Gay Relationships: How Do You Know When You've Met the "Right Guy?"

How do you know when you’ve met the “right one?”  Our romantic culture promotes the idea that each of us has a Mr. or Ms. Right out there – the one perfect match who will light our fire and laugh at our jokes and generally be our just right soulmate.  In old musical comedies, an upbeat musical score and starry-eyed looks might accompany the appearance of Mr. Right from the object of his affection.

For most of us, reality looks rather different.  We find someone we like – a lot, in fact – but if we hang around long enough, we discover that he isn’t perfect.  He has a bad habit or two; he snores or belches or sings off key.  He’s special, sure, but he’s not perfect.  We find ourselves feeling ambivalent.  There are few dreamy songs celebrating romantic ambivalence.

We face a dilemma:  how special is “special enough?”  How do we decide whether we are settling for a relationship we don’t really want (on the one hand) or setting such a perfectionist standard that we are likely to be forever alone (on the other)?

Gay Relationships: How Do I Know If His Love is Real?

Dear Dr. Brian:

I’m new to dating men and this is the first relationship I’ve been in with a man. I’m not sure if the guy I’m involved with really loves me the way I do him. He’s not really blessed financially and I tend to support him with a lot of his needs. I can’t help but wonder if he’s clinging on to me for that reason. I love him, but I don’t want to continue the relationship if he’s only with me for that purpose. _____________________________________________

Dear Friend:

It is very important in dating to pace a new relationship slowly so that you can get to know your dating partner well enough to determine if he meets your needs for a relationship and life partner. By going slow, this allows the relationship to evolve naturally and gives you time to observe his attitudes and behavior over time before becoming too emotionally involved and invested.

Tempering your infatuation, attraction, and excitement about the budding romance is critical at this stage so as not to become blinded to important clues that speak to whether this new guy you’re seeing is actually a good fit for you.

It’s important to have fun and enjoy the process of the dating relationship, but it’s vital to balance this with appropriate boundaries to allow time to assess his potential for true “boyfriend material.”

Gay Relationships: Getting What You Want In Bed - Part Two

( continued from yesterday ) 

"If you are going to try to get more of what you want, it’s only fair that you give your partner more of what he wants, too."

Ah, touch. There are so many ways to make physical contact with someone. Touching or being touched in exactly the same manner all the time can become irritating.Enough of exactly the same touch and our brains shut down – you will stop feeling the touch altogether. This is not pleasant.

Better to vary how you make physical contact, alternating light touch with firmer, fingernail scratches with holding, teasing with squeezing.