GAYTWOGETHER

Gay Relationships: Boyfriend Hunting - Where The Men Are

So you’re on the prowl for a boyfriend, hunting for Mr. Right to potentially build a lasting and fulfilling relationship?  You feel like you’ve got your head on straight, your life is in order, and you’re ready and available for love.  Perfect! 

The most important pre-requisite that’s needed before embarking out into the dating jungle is a solid sense of self, an understanding of your needs and values, and a psychological readiness and maturity for navigating through a variety of interpersonal situations and relationship issues.

You’re equipped, motivated, excited… so where in the world do you find those quality guys to get acquainted with?

As gay men, it can be a bit more challenging in our quest for potential dating partners since we’re not always easily recognizable, that is unless you’ve got a finely-tuned sense of “gaydar.” We don’t have a rubber stamp with the word “GAY” printed on our foreheads to cause us to stand out from the crowd, so knowing who it’s safe to approach can be made more difficult than our heterosexual counterparts face. But, it is not impossible, for as the saying goes: “We are everywhere!”This article will offer possible settings that will increase your chances for meeting other gay men, as well as to provide some practical tips for approaching these venues. 

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"Love Is Never Wrong"

Gay Relationships: Overcoming Shyness - Part Two

( continued from yesterday )

Self-doubt and self-criticism are at the root of much shyness. We have mistaken beliefs (“Everyone’s looking at me!”) that hold is back.These beliefs keep us from having the sort of meaningful, intimate relationships we want. A good first step is to notice the self-talk going on all the time between your ears.  Recognize negative voices that give you critical, defeatist messages.  Once you start to recognize them you’re no longer on autopilot.  A thought is not the same thing as a reality....

 You can begin to assert some control.  A good place to start is simply by labeling the thought, perhaps saying to yourself, “That’s just a thought.”  Avoid arguing with the voice in your head.  And certainly don’t compound the problem by yelling at yourself!  “I’m an idiot for having such negative thoughts!” is really just another negative thought.

Try paying special attention to thoughts that include words like always, never, should, etc.  These are rarely true and often just cause us more anxiety.  And look for other ridiculous thoughts.  Everyone is not always looking at you, for instance.   

Changing patterns requires patience and practice.  Don’t criticize yourself.  See if you can work up some self-encouragement instead.

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"Love Is Never Wrong"

Gay Relationships: Overcoming Shyness - Part One

If you’re shy, you know the discomfort such bashfulness can bring.  When you must step out of the shadows and speak up, you may experience a racing heart, dry mouth, and butterflies in the stomach.  What others seem to take for granted can become a miserable experience for you.

All sorts of social situations can trigger a bout of self-conscious shyness.  Some people find themselves not speaking up for themselves at work.  Others find it makes them anxious to introduce themselves to others at a bar or the gym.  Or they avoid social situations altogether, becoming isolated at home.  And more people fear public speaking engagements than fear snakes or spiders.

All of us find ourselves a little shy at times, especially if we’re introverted by nature. But when the problem starts to really interfere with the enjoyment of day-to-day life, therapists talk about the problem as social anxiety. Well-meaning friends may tell us to get over it, buck up and “just do it” when faced with a situation that causes us embarrassment. Sometimes that works, but often it’s too simple an answer. If we’re not prepared, we may put ourselves in a situation where we’re overwhelmed with anxiety, only to find that all our self-doubts rise up like dragons and overwhelm us.

"Love Is Never Wrong" - Picturing Guys Twogether

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"Love Is Never Wrong"

Gay Relationships: Top Reasons Why They Work & Fail - Part Two

( Continued From Yesterday )

Adding ‘Gay’ To The Mix

Some additional factors that I might add to the list for making relationships work that are more specific to gay men in a couple include:

• Having solid self-esteem and comfort with being gay

• Both men being at the same level of “outness”; and the more “out”, the better to allow for more openness, relaxation, and honesty in all environments

• Having a support system of people who honor, value, and validate the men’s relationship as a gay couple

• Each man having his own individual identity, as well as commitment to a relationship identity to allow for more balance and vitality

• Having a clear agreement about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in one’s relationship and having an understanding of what that means and looks like and abiding by that faithfully

• Recognition that relationships take effort and work

• Having a shared vision for the future as a couple

• And most importantly, as in all relationships, communication is key! Productive conflict resolution is critical! Honesty is a must! The ability to be flexible is also important.

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"Love Is Never Wrong"

Gay Relationships: Top Reasons Why They Work & Fail - Part One

"Society desperately needs to see healthy gay couples functioning in successful relationships."    Back in the 90’s, I worked at Linden Oaks Hospital, a psychiatric clinic in Naperville, Illinois in their outpatient department providing counseling to all ages and populations.We did a lot of work with couples and used a handout with our clients that taught them about attitudes and ingredients for having healthy intimate relationships.

I still use that handout in my clinical work as it is a great resource in helping couples assess their own relationship functioning, as well as to use it as a guide for developing goals to work on. Linden Oaks is credited for this content, which is outlined below. The word ‘relationships’ is being used instead of ‘marriages’, as was specified in the handout.

While written for a heterosexual audience, we can certainly adapt this information to our gay partnerships as the following content illustrates issues that are universal to all relationship styles. Hopefully you will find it useful as it applies to evaluating your own relationship for maximizing its success.

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"Love Is Never Wrong"