GAYTWOGETHER

Gay Relationships: "If I’m So Darn Cute, Why Won’t Anyone Go Out With Me?" - Part Two

( Continued From Yesterday )

"Systemic challenges due pose potential barriers to your dating life, they only have to have power if you allow them to do so. We are not victims; growing up gay requires significant courage, perseverance, and resilience. To survive and prosper through this means we can handle anything."

Step one requires taking back personal control and refusing to allow these dating challenges and disappointments to have emotional power over you.

* Start keeping a journal and write about your dating efforts and lessons learned to watch your evolution in progress. Make a list of all the reasons why you’re a “good catch” and why it’s important to keep your head held high when things aren’t going so well. Write about the benefits of being single and what this affords you. Refer to this when you get into “funks” as a way to keep yourself motivated and centered on the positive. When you hear a quote or motivational saying that resonates with you, add this to your journal for additional affirmation and incentive.

* Since we are only in control of ourselves and cannot change other people, avoid blaming “the system” or other gay men for the current state-of-affairs as they are.It’s much more productive to focus more on yourself and dig deep to identify any potential areas where you might be contributing to difficulties. For some ideas on where to get started with this, check out my article on “Am I Mr. Right?”  and break out your journal and start writing and tackling those issues that will improve your quality-of-life.

Gay Relationships: "If I’m So Cute, Why Won’t Anyone Go Out With Me?" - Part One

One of the most common concerns that come through my service from gay singles is the difficulty they speak of securing dates with quality and compatible men; and sometimes it’s even just landing a date of any kind! Invitations for sex seem more readily accessible and the frustration and disappointment is the predominant emotion experienced by these relationship-minded singles who have good heads on their shoulders and are ready and available for love, but just can’t seem to find others who mirror their desire for substance and depth in their involvements.

After a series of let-downs, it can really start messing with your sense of optimism and positive outlook. You might begin to feel jaded and develop resentments toward the whole institution of dating and the gay community, questioning whether gay relationships really can work. Worse yet, you might begin turning these attacking feelings against yourself in the form of developing beliefs that there’s something wrong or defective with you in the face of so much perceived rejection.

Ouch! Stop the madness! You cannot allow all the hard work it took for you to develop and grow yourself into the solid man that you’ve become to be tampered with by the inherent challenges of dating.

Gay Relationships: 5 Simple Things Gay Partners Can Do That Can Make All the Difference

You know how it is. You and your guy have been together for a long time now, way past “the honeymoon period” characteristic of the early stages of a relationship.You know each other inside and out and have worked hard to build a satisfying and comfortable lifestyle together as a committed couple. You’ve become settled into a familiar structure and routine in your lives.

Life is great! And it is! The love, companionship, and security that a partnership offers can be like no other and is one of the benefits of being in an intimate relationship. But beware…these same benefits can also put your partnership into jeopardy with subsequent boredom, feelings of being taken for granted, and eroticism decline in your relationship if you fail to consistently attend to the needs of your partner, yourself, and your relationship.

What follows are five simple tasks you can implement immediately to give your relationship that extra boost and to reinforce the importance and value you place on your partner and life together.

Don’t let your relationship get lost in the shuffle of all the other things going on around you! While this may seem like common sense, it’s amazing how complacent we can become and fall into unhealthy patterns of distraction that take energy away from the very center and haven of your life…your bond with your life partner. 

Gay Relationships: Living Your Life With Passion

Human beings crave experiences that take us beyond our everyday routines. If we want more out of life, we will want to look at patterns that are holding us back right now.  We need to go beyond the ordinary from time to time and get caught up in something that feels bigger than we are. Getting beyond our sense of individual isolation that feeds our souls.

Sex does it for a number of us, and that’s what most people associate with the word passion. Some of us find passion in work; some of us find it in involvement with something bigger than ourselves. Some of us get to a transcendent place when we are dancing the night away – connecting with the beat, with others, losing our sense of ourselves as separated from the environment around us. What are you passionate about?

My friend Jim says he never feels more alive than when he is out on the dance floor – shirt off, sweaty, glowing, his body feeling alive and juicy. Spiritual experiences are often felt in the body as a subtle connection between the physical self and the emotional self. It can feel hard to explain to others; we may even feel a little embarrassed trying to describe what we are feeling. Modern English doesn’t have good words to describe these experiences. Probably the best word is transcendence – a sense of moving beyond our isolated selves and into deeper connection with our entire self, other people or the world around us. We feel moved to a higher level. It’s hard to explain, but we know it when we get there.

So you’ve danced yourself stupid and you’re feeling blissed out. What happens when you leave the party?  If everyday life is just a spacer between times when you can hit the dance floor, take a look at your spiritual life. Jim learned that he couldn’t order up transcendent experiences like he would order up a pizza. He found himself feeling depressed on occasion.

Gay Relationships: It's Never Too Late - New Year's Resolutions For Gay Couples

It’s never too late to make those New Year’s Resolutions - especially if you’re in a relationship. Probably the number one question I get asked most often by gay couples is, unsurprisingly, "How do I make my relationship better?"

So, in line with the beginning of a New Year, I thought I’d write a short blurb that lists some possible action steps you might take to improve your partnership in the coming year. We’ve all heard of making personal New Year’s Resolutions like "I’m going to lose weight this year" or "I’m going to go to the health club more often", but what would happen if we expanded upon that concept and created Resolutions for our relationships as couples?

With our busy lifestyles and excessive demands placed upon our time, it can be very easy to take our relationships for granted and unconsciously place them on the low end of our priority scales. And with those couples who have been together for a long time, it’s even easier to settle into comfortable routines and patterns (as if on auto-pilot) at the expense of attending to and nurturing our relationship with our partners. This neglect is a primary reason for relationship discord, boredom, and a host of other problems that begin to erode at the foundation of our bonds as lovers/husbands.

Gay Relationships: The Top 10 Secrets of Successful Gay Daters - Part Two

( Continued from yesterday ) - here's  the next five characteristics common to the profile of a successful gay dater.

 5. He has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating.

Coming out isn’t for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don’t have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It’s not an easy feat, however—there’s years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.

Additionally, it’s important to counter any myths or stereotypes about homosexuality because these can be limiting as well. “All the good ones are taken.” “Gay relationships don’t work.” “All gay men want is sex.” “I have to be a stud to land a man.” “Guys will come to me.” If you believe any of these statements and the many others that exist, recognize these as misinformation that can be confusing and distort reality and work hard at challenging and defeating such negative self-talk so that they don’t get in the way of your goals.

Gay Relationships: The Top 10 Secrets of Successful Gay Daters - Part One

Dating can be like a roller coaster ride sometimes with its fun highs and frustrating lows. Ever wonder why some guys have more luck with the dating game than others? Ever contemplate what it takes to become more successful with men? Well, that’s a tricky business and there’s no scientific formula that will yield those positive results. I believe dating is partly luck and LOTS of preparation.

Part One of this article will count-down the first 5 out of 10 characteristics that are common to the profile of a successful gay dater.  (Part Two - Tomorrow)

The list goes on beyond this as well, but these qualities can provide a starting point for you to assess your possible strengths and weaknesses as a single gay man on the prowl for your Mr. Right and to develop goals for self-improvement that will maximize your efforts out on the dating scene.

Gay Relationships: Increasing Your Capacity For Intimacy

Opening yourself to what you are feeling is an important first step towards increasing your capacity for intimacy. Take a breath. Notice what you are feeling in the moment. Learn to recognize the sensations, including the bodily sensations, which accompany emotions.

Shallow breathing may indicate anxiety, for instance. In fact, psychotherapist Fritz Perls called anxiety “excitement without the breath.” The next step towards lowering the walls and increasing the intimacy in your life is to become more comfortable with sharing your feelings with others.

Take responsibility for what you are experiencing rather than attributing it to someone else. Keep it simple and direct. Remember that emotions don’t always have to be monumental things; sharing your feelings about a piece of music or a movie you’ve just seen with a friend can be a great way to gain more experience.

If you develop greater capacity to communicate your feelings with others, you’ll soon find that people do one of two things. Some folks will reciprocate and share their feelings. Others will not, and may even feel uncomfortable with your “opening up.” Don’t allow others’ responses to put you off-track.

Gay Relationships: “The Insecure Partner” Part Two

( continued from yesterday ) 

COPING STRATEGIES FOR TAMING INSECURITY

1. Keep a journal of your triggers. Anytime you find yourself getting anxious or insecure, write down the situation, the feelings you experienced, what you were thinking, and how you acted. This running log will help you discover patterns behind your projections so you can more readily short-circuit them in the future should they happen again. Try to write about where your insecurity originated, what your insecurity looks like, the types of beliefs that feed this feeling, the consequences you’ve suffered as a result of its existence, and create a vision for how you will look as a man with a secure base.

2. If you find that you project another person from your life (an “ex”, your father, etc.) onto your partner, make a list of all the reasons why your current lover is not like these individuals. Write down all his good qualities and why he’s a good partner choice for you thus far. This will help keep you centered in the here-and-now, not the past.

3. Changing these patterns takes time, so develop the art of patience and realize that these negative feelings you have may take a lot of time to diminish. Learn a variety of relaxation techniques that you can use to help de-stress yourself whenever the anxiety hits. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization are good ones to start with. Become more attuned with your body and recognize the physical sensations you feel when anxiety strikes so you can utilize your coping skills before the feelings magnify and get acted-out. 

Gay Relationships: “The Insecure Partner” - Part One

A PICTURE OF INSECURITY -  Insecurity is no fun. It’s that nagging feeling of angst and anxiety, of being unsettled and worried. You feel helpless and that you don’t measure up to a person or situation, lacking a sense direction or confidence in how to approach things. Like in the initial stages of dating, a single gay man’s insecurity might look like…”Does he like me?” “Why hasn’t he called me like he said he would?” “Will he still be around even after we’ve had sex?”

These are pretty normal reactions; it becomes insecurity when the person becomes preoccupied and ruminates about the outcome, personalizing it and putting himself through a slow-torture of doubt and “what-if” thinking that distracts him from being centered and relaxed.

Gay men in relationships can struggle with insecurity as well; having a partner is no shield against it. In a relationship, insecurity might look like…”Am I still attractive to my partner after all this time?” “Does he think I’m a good lover?” “Why is he spending so much time away from home?” “Is he cheating on me?”

Again, there’s nothing abnormal with these thoughts—it has more to do with their extent and severity and how much they are interfering with one’s quality of life and relationship. This article will offer some suggestions for managing this harmful emotion so it doesn’t sabotage your relationship and cause undue stress for your well-being.